Several weeks ago I was in a gift shop in Jackson Hole. The night before, I had been so swallowed by a wave of grief after losing my mom on August 9 that I felt hopeless and dark inside. At night, with Baby Rayen by my side I spoke to my mom like a prayer. I asked her to show me she was there, guiding me. I wanted a sign so obvious that I would know 100 percent it was her.
I had forgotten what I had asked until the next morning when I was browsing a rack of greeting cards. A card in my favorite shade of green had writing on it that was difficult to make out so I stepped closer.
The text was simple and clear:
Find what brings you joy and go there
– Jan Phillips
Jan Phillips was the name of my mother exactly. She always told me my middle name was Joy because I brought so much joy into her life when I was born. And she knew Alex and I had been traveling trying to find the place we would settle and raise our family. Find what brings you joy and go there. So simple. So something my mom would say.
This was it, my neon sign. I bought the card and walked out the door, holding my tears until I was on the street. I had been having doubts that she was really here, that heaven was real, that I will ever see her again, that she’s watching me. This was the clear sign I had asked her for.
This sign and the other’s I know she has sent me don’t make it easier to not have her here. They do give me faith that spirit’s go on even when the body does not. I would give anything to see my mom again, but this was something. I just needed something.
This also reminds me of a quote I heard years ago by W.R. Inge.
“Faith begins as an experiment and ends as an experience.”
Isn’t that the truth? Keep the faith friends.